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the_manneh

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So I made a Wordpress... [20 Oct 2016|09:20am]

The title explains it all, I made a Wordpress and I'm just using it to bitch about politics.

I see Livejournal as a good personal place where I can talk about personal stuff but part of me just feels a little more unhinged on there.

I actually got like 3 people following me that isn't just my one friend that also has a WordPress.

I mean, hell, the whole "anonymity" thing is kinda why I feel good saying the stuff I say. It's a case of "no one cares what I say so I can say anything" kinda thing. I call it the "Loser's Advantage".

An ant can say whatever it wants about humans because humans can't hear it. That kinda thing.

Also, I've been watching anime and reading books as a way to help with my book writing skills.

and that's if I don't get arrested prior

But yeah, I got a Wordpress and hopefully, I won't fully neglect my LJ.

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Meh, the beat goes on... [29 Jul 2016|01:57am]
[ mood | okay ]

I really need to start writing about good things that happen to me in here once in a while.

Welp, today, I tried my hand (again) at Stand Up Comedy...I tanked.

I mean, I think I started off well but then I lost my way and realized that trying to be Chris Titus was probably not the best way to go.

In short, I got heckled after my bit about the Civil War charging America it's first billion for killing each other...to a bunch of people that don't know dick about history...as my opener.

I should have just stuck to the virgin jokes.

I mean, I'm not too bothered by it since I knew I was gonna get a bad reaction, I just didn't expect an actual booing session.

Stuff like that made me really look back at my life and realize I never actually succeeded in anything...which I'd be okay with if I didn't have this drive to compete and lose to fucking everyone every day.

Jeez, how does Jerry do it? I just got finished talking to him and he brings up some good points that I really need to consider but I'm just too frustrated about it.

I mean, okay, I compare myself to other but the common thing about life has always been "take risks" and I hate it seems like when I do it, I get the short end of the stick when everyone else just fucking wins (or at least not lose) while I'm stuck wondering where's my good thing I tried working for.

I mean, why is it so easy for them to get what they want and not me? In 140 characters on twitter some no-name can get worldwide recognition and people fucking love that person for it but if I do it..meh.

I understand I'm not likable enough for a mate, smart enough to be a writer, physically correct enough to be an actor, rich enough to be anything or well read enough to even be a librarian but the question is pretty fucking simple, am I doing this "life" thing right if I have ask what's the point of it?

Also, anyone need a professional failure?

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Just Another good Bad memory [14 Jul 2016|12:06am]
[ mood | discouraged ]

I don't know why I keep going back to the Sterling protest, maybe it's my drive for attention or just to see how many people I recognize that actually show up while I'm paying my respects but either way, I finally managed to get a piece of my message out.

Part of me wants to appreciate it but I can't because I literally had taken back to back L's (that's black-talk for "accepting defeat/failure"...the "L" is short for "loss").

Okay, first off, I went there and talked to Polo Sandoval after talking to one of his camera guys (at least I think he was a camera guy, either way his name was Matt, I think). Me and Matt(?) had altering opinions but at least he was nice about it. Polo was pretty chill too, even replied to me on Twitter telling me that my spanish was good (I tried to talk to him in Spanish, I think I'm ready to just move to a country in South America now).

Good start, right?

Then things get gripped (my way of saying "things get worse) during the long version of the on-screen interview I'm doing that you saw earlier. I make mention that I'm not picking any sides and at this point it's illogical (I actually say "if anyone hates anyone at this point, they're stupid") and the hag behind me decides to scamper to the rest of the protesters and make it seem like I said, "if you don't like cops, you're stupid".

Now what makes me mad about this is while she's saying this, I'm under the CNN tent where I spoke to Matt earlier and one of the other crew members just sorta growled to me "are you a part of our group? why are you here? go on, already". You know, kinda like that one guy that takes his job a little too seriously as if he's actually doing something (he wasn't and I got a weird vibe from him the whole time I was there, I don't wanna say racist but he just gave me the stink eye the entire time I was at the Triple S).

Rather than tell him that he could get replaced by a better tripod if CNN chooses it, I just left like he demanded. If there's one thing I've learned from living in Louisiana is never to piss off a fat bearded douche with a superiority complex.

But now, I had to confront the group of people who now believe I called them stupid for hating cops (because apparently, I'd know that). The one thing I hate about this kind of confrontation is that even though I didn't say it, the most illogical ones pretty much make it impossible for me to plead my case. I can't say three words without them screaming at me about what they think I said. It got so bad, a few of them wanted to beat me up for agreeing to something that that retarded hag said. I'm still mad about that, that happened hours ago.

Granted, a few people let me speak and everything subsided before I got a swift taste of mob justice but I'm still mad because what they do to me is the same stuff that they claim the cops do to them. Control the situation so that they can justify the excuse of attacking someone they see beneath them. So I'm laying here in this bed right now wondering why is it okay when people do that to each other?

I mean, I finally got to get a piece of what I'm saying on TV after possibly getting shafted by Discovery Channel (where I got interrupted by some nutjob conspiracy theorist that couldn't say anything past "the alleeeeeegiate hand" and "crushed" and "they say he got a gun", repeatedly while I'm trying to talk), that Canadian Station and that other one in Lake Charles but this is gonna be one of those things that bug me for a while. I mean, I literally couldn't do anything but play ball and all it did was get me messed with freakin' back to back.

Even though it's not guaranteed, here's to a better tomorrow, I fuckin' guess.

Love and Peace...

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You're Not Owed Anything (Rant) [13 Jul 2016|05:56am]
[ mood | angry ]

I grew up on the phrase "the world don't owe you nothing" (keep in mind, this is Louisiana, double negatives are picked up on in context) and I used to always wonder what that means.

When I was a kid, I thought that "not being owed" meant something along the lines of "as long as you're not giving anything, you can't ask for anything" kinda concept. Which I understood.

Nowadays, I think it's just some asshole's way of justifying being an asshole. Look, If you're an American that isn't owed anything for the sweat, time and tears devoted into work, school and surviving these past few years..then it's safe to say that America is and never have been the greatest country in the world.

But kudos to whoever the hell is working America's PR team because to have other countries think we're pretty amazing for this long is surprisingly good work. Look, Syria, as an American, let me be the first to tell you, we're not the best, we're just the least worst, alright?

But yeah, I hate the phrase "No one owes you anything" because people tend to use that to justify assholery. Like how the fuck do you "earn" a job when all it takes is some guy in charge of the business or establishment you're trying to get into to say "hey, we like you" or "hey, we don't"? Y'know?

I mean, even right now in my hometown of Baton Rouge, we as a society are owed an explanation as to why the two cops that killed Alton Sterling aren't in jail? (you can say whatever you want, you can't resist when you're pinned on the ground, go fuck yourself if you think that "he's resisting" is a legit excuse) but someone right now is probably saying "no one owes you an explanation" which is bullshit.

Look, if no one owes us anything then why is there an incentive for pretty much everything we do. No one does shit for free, that's fucking slavery and you know it. So I believe if that if you're the type to believe that no one owes anyone anything WHILE THEY'RE WORKING TO GET TO THE LEVEL THAT THEY'RE TRYING TO GET TO, you may as well be flying your confederate flag and buying a hat that says something along the lines of going back to a greater time because that's what you support.

I work, so I'm owed money. I struggle, so I'm owed better times. I sacrifice my time to help you earn your money in some way and if you don't think I deserve something back for that, then you're not motivating me to get to my full potential, you're just an asshole.

Love and Peace, though.

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Racism [10 Jul 2016|10:04am]

Yeah, Racism's a scary word and it pretty much has a face, like whenever you hear the word racism, you think of two things and I really don't need to go into detail as to what those two things are.

I want to bring something up, though. You're gonna hate me for saying this but EVERYONE in America is racist.

You heard me, if you're born in the good ol' US of A, you're 100% concentrated, balled up mess of of patriotic racism and here's why; America has a history of discrimination and hate. Britains hated other Britains so they "colonized" or whatever to what would soon be America.

They hated the people that were here already so they killed a lot of the Natives (which became a force of habit for "discovering" new places).

Meanwhile in another part of the country, lazy rich people were using black people to pick up after them and when someone said "hey, that's fucked up, cut that out" and actually (sorta) stopped it, the tensions were pretty high, to say the least.

So by this time, you have black people who hate white people, white people who really hate black people and Native Tribes who hate everyone, New Yorkers who hate the Europeans for immigrating (even though they're both white), California people who hate the Japanese...

The idea is that at this point, everyone hates everyone in the "United" States. Go figure.

Add in a few simmered years, a couple irresponsibly spent million dollars and a lot of violence, now you're about maybe five years old and are now hearing almost every day about a black guy getting beaten/killed by cops, Muslims doing "terrorism", Mass shootings, Robberies, Rapes, Drunk Driving and the FIRST thing you may hear a nearby person utter in the midst of is "all those types of people are the same".

Then you look at that person, that person's probably a teenager or something but the image of "they're all the same" sorta sticks in your head. At 5.

The hatred, discrimination and stereotyping have gotten so routine in this country that we have made jokes about it and while some people have toughened up to the process of accepting them, others are still like "HEY, THAT'S RACIST!" without realizing that people know and are laughing for the right reason. Racism is indeed a joke because only hilariously stupid people demonstrate it.

Fast forward a few more years now, and now everyone is so filled to the brim with anger and hatred, we're just looking and practically begging for a reason to logically hate someone (even though hatred in itself is illogical because you're devoting time and energy into something you don't fucking like)

Now, let's just say that there's been a moment of peace but you got some people who can't handle that and are now "reminding" their kid about racism, slavery and all that (you know,because maybe they forgot).

So now a kid who's like maybe 10 or something is going through life thinking that specific people are after it and is gonna "get" it in some kinda way. So now, instead of having the obvious growing pains that comes with the territory of being a teenager, they're now scared of a specific type of people that they choose to not only not understand but possibly choose to berate for being who they are. Sprinkle in some lack of empathy to make the insults hurt just that much worse reminiscent to a possible "That's what you get for being what you are".

They think they're joking, so you think they're joking because y'know, we all joked as kids, right?

So now this kid is an adult which means that time has passed and despite the fact that the minority of smart humans have aimed to make progress in their lives by accepting the fact that some people are born different and should only be analyzed by what they do instead of what they are, you have this kid and a few others who still can't get that "they're all the same" mentality out of their head and completely refuses to think otherwise...who then proceeds to have a family of their own.

Look, what I'm saying is that considering the fact that America has been overrun by psychopaths for the past few centuries, it's pretty easy to determine that while we may have progressed, there's still some people that think that being a racist is okay and that's on all sides (not just white people).

You know why I don't believe in White Privilege? Because if America thought that white people were so precious, there wouldn't be any white soldiers or white cops. I mean for a job that people "put their lives on the line for", you'd think that society would be like "put the expendable people on that shit". Also, there wouldn't be rich black people. I mean, Oprah, Jay-Z (who I hate), Michael Jordan...do you honestly think that White America is targeting them like how they're targeting poor black folk?

One thing I hate is how it's a fucking contest, I'm not saying that black people don't matter but getting mad at someone for pointing out that it's NOT JUST black people who get the wrong end of the stick is just as fucked up as any other form of discrimination. In the same week of the police murders, there was a an autistic 22 year old sex worker found locked in a cage, a stabbing in cold blood and let's not forget the massacre in Orlando following that girl that got shot after her concert, an alligator killed a kid and I don't think race took part in the other mass shootings that's happened within the past two months.

No one's saying that you don't matter when they bring up other shit that's happened, they're just being logical enough to realize that if this was a race issue, the racists aren't doing a good job at trying to eliminate us but the fucking lunatics with guns kinda are. It's a bigger issue than what we want it to be and once we get past this programming that "they're all the same" and start saying "we're all the same", we can sorta look towards a better future.

Say it with me, "People are stupid, I'm a person, I'm stupid, Help me be less stupid"

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Just a quick reminder of what year it is. (really long rant) [07 Jul 2016|08:33pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I wanna bring everyone up to speed as to what fucking year it is for a moment.

We're about a decade and a half into the technological era where our lives are practically ruled by technology that DON'T HAVE ANY INTENTION TO WANNA KILL US (because AI is a slippery slope).

We damn near literally have the entire world in the palm of our hands, can manipulate the elements and access to literature and images of times of the past that we can alter to our liking to keep us going for the rest of our lives.

We're at the point now where we've even managed to use up all our resources and still somehow survive on dedication alone.

Aaaand yet we still have racism, class warfare, drug use, drunk driving, rape, homophobia and multiple forms of discrimination and/or hatred both genetic and/or aesthetic that results in some innocent (or maybe even not so innocent) person getting killed.

I'm not even going to go into the whole "cop" thing because as I mentioned before, I believe that this is all just a result of the entire country not wanting to admit that they're mentally fucked up.

Now maybe it's a pride thing but I'm willing to admit that I'm not all the way up there mentally and considering the past few months into 2016 right before voting season, it's pretty safe to say that nobody is. Hayudoin'.

Look, it's no secret that born and bred inside of every living breathing thing in existence is the urge to kill, but you have to break some sort of psychological threshold to actually act on it and go to sleep the next night. But let's look at the facts here, if you have a problem with someone, there's almost nothing you can do about it unless you're the right kind of person and in this country, you better hope you're not the wrong kind of person and the flavor of that changes every couple of months.

American History has literally been a list of "who can we on the top of the totem pole fuck over now?" because at one time it was women, Jews, Native Tribes, the poor, Blacks, Homosexuals, Muslims, Transgenders, Mexicans and Foreigners entirely (such as the Irish, German and Japanese and even now the Syrians) and when they realized that that hating someone for asinine reasons such as this was stupid, they decided to just hate everyone all at once and keep it a big secret as to why.

Look, it's fucking 2016. This is 16 years past every '70s-80's post apocalyptic film where we're supposed to have jet boots, flying cars, virtual reality, teleportation, alien contact, recreational trips to outer space and sexbots and we're still killing people because we feel "threatened" by what skin color someone has or what god they worship.

What makes this so bad is that the only thing we can say we got right was making the cell phone a miniature computer and even still, the camera's a tad blurry at times but it's been YEARS since we've actually had an intellectual breakthrough but it's been literally a few days since we've had a homicide by firearm that some people believe is justified be it for "second amendment rights" or just a case of "wrong place, wrong person, wrong time" kinda bullshit.

Insanity is the now common practice of doing something over and over again and expecting a different result each time. We, as a nation/society/people have managed to turn every tragedy into a reason to hate someone and we've been doing the same routine like fucking clockwork whenever ANYTHING happens.

Look, All I'm doing is bringing up the obvious, we've been pulling the same fucking act since the start of the country. America became a country because we said "fuck British taxes" and THEN STARTED TAXING EACH OTHER...FOR WARS...AGAINST EACH OTHER...BECAUSE PEOPLE DISAGREED WITH SLAVERY BEING A BAD THING (debatable). The Civil War was the first time in American History where the national deficit or whatever hit a billion. We owed ourselves a billion dollars for killing ourselves...and almost three hundred years later we're still fucking killing each other and some people are saying that this is okay!

My solution is simple, Mental evaluations of everyone. Put Mental Health at the forefront of "shit we need to take care of" and watch the problems practically solve themselves because people who are logical will finally be in control of shit instead of the nutjobs that think that killing people and ruining lives are okay (by the way, those nutjobs would be taken care of so that they're less of a fucking nutjob in a facility that will monitor, assist and cure them). Considering the bullshit that's been going on lately, I'm okay with living like a robot just as long as I know that me and the kids of the future that clearly won't be mine are safe.

Love and Peace, people.

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#AltonSterling and Other things [07 Jul 2016|07:38am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

This won't get any reads but I live right behind the Triple S where the shooting take place and I'd like to say a few things.

Firstly, even though I used to meet Sterling in passing, I didn't actually know the guy but I recognized him as the guy that sold CD's while BLASTING the music in front of the corner store. I'd never think that those gunshot blasts I heard getting out of the fourth of July would be the ones that finished him off.

I want justice too but I don't want to kill every white person and police officer I see and you got people saying shit like that.

I don't see this as a cop issue or a race issue because that'd be too easy to target, I see it and have always saw it as a class issue.

There's a HUGE class division in East Baton Rouge Parish (another city in Louisiana besides New Orleans, I know, shocking, right?) where the rich people live in South Baton Rouge and the poor live in the North and some people in the South see the people in the North as "thugs" or whatever else they want to say about us.

I wouldn't be surprised if the cops were from South Baton Rouge.

The fact is simple, before this happened, we were already getting picked off and pulled to the side and attacked simply for where we live and where we come from and our side of town was plucked dry of pretty much anything that would mean prosperity on this side. I see it as a result of an economic downturn that the people that live on this side have to survive and are looked at in a horrible light because the methods that they are forced to go through.

I hope those two cops that pinned him down and shot him will face a murder charge but let's face it. All this is doing now is rekindling an already known scenario where black people hate police officers.

And the rich are stacking up off the pain in the end some kind of way.

I love how so far, people have been gathering at the store where he got shot at just to make as much noise as possible, stop traffic (because a corner store is literally at the corner of two streets) to climb on people's cars. But let's be honest, hat's not a protest, that's just being an obnoxious asshole.

It's good to see a lot of people who seemingly never really been out the woodwork actually come together in one big gathering and not kill or fight one another but now it's time for business where people start trying to make the world better for their kids.

And killing cops or being an asshole ain't the way to do it no matter how much it "toughens your kid up".

I'm done with this whole ordeal and I just hope that this will be the thing that makes my neighborhood and all of North Baton Rouge a priority for an economic upbringing. Wouldn't need cops if we had opportunities that didn't involve the stuff that it involved.

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Gonna rant about Orlando [20 Jun 2016|01:46pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

I'll be happy to give a recap of what's been going on since the last update I put on here but first, I need to rant about something first:

Now, I know I'm late but there's been a rash of gun violence in this country since this country's been discovered/stolen/founded/colonized/started/whatever and it's starting to be a problem. Hence why I used "rash".

Now, I don't like guns. Being a black dude raised in the poor parts of town kinda turned me off of their appeal as to what they are. I also realize that the sole purpose of those things are to kill things. I mean, you can't cut a tree with a gun. You can't move a cloud with a gun.

Also, if someone can provide me with some visual proof of otherwise, just know that you're not changing my mind but you just revolutionized how far you'd go to prove a stranger on the internet wrong.

But anyway.

The fact is very simple, I don't like guns but do I think that guns are the problem in this country?

Not all the way.

The problem is and has always been about people. Crazy people who somehow manage to sneak through the cracks to act like they're mentally stable enough to function in society...until they can't keep up with the act anymore.

I repeat: This isn't a gun issue, it's a mental issue.

Rather than talk about how dangerous guns are (because let's face it, at this point, a lot of people are just happy to have something loud and destructive within their posession to keep themselves entertained), let's talk about exactly why we aren't making mental health into our top priority.

A lot of people at this point deserve to be in the mental health facilities because our society has turned into a group of apathetic, horny as hell, drug addicted, easily angered sociopaths with enough free time to plan some horrible stuff to do that may or may not influence the kids.

I mean, granted, we as a society were always this way but at least back in the day, people had hobbies to keep their hands busy. Then somewhere down the line, those hobbies started to cost more money than most folks had so now if you wanted to be a seamstress or something, you'd have to hope that someone you know is willing to let you use their sewing machine for free.

Society nowadays has now considered fucking over people, taking advantage of people and hurting people to be a good thing because as no one died, it "teaches character" or some bullshit like that. You know how I know I'm right? Because right now, we got Donald Trump running for President and is pretty close to winning should the idiots that vote for him have their way.

Give people like that a gun and it's only a matter of time before they go on a killing spree with the excuse of some well thought out way to say "I was afraid/offended/hurt/protecting myself".

The fact is simple.

Rather than talking about guns, I recommend that EVERYONE in America between the ages of 13-100 get a psychological evaluation just to root out the people that are one self induced bad day away from killing something and once you get those people rooted out...FUCKING HELP THEM GET BACK ON TRACK MENTALLY. It's not "normal" or "freedom" or whatever you want to call it to be a self-motivating, remorseless, budding psychopath simply because you felt like doing something crazy.

It's simple, people. If you got a problem, try to solve it, don't just try to get rid of it because humans have proven ON MULTIPLE FUCKING OCCASION that if you try to get rid of stupid, it just comes back STRONG AS FUCK (especially in America) but if you teach stupid a way to get smart. It'll practically get rid of itself.

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It's time we had "the talk" (Long entry) [31 Mar 2016|08:13am]
[ mood | okay ]

My cousin died yesterday.

I was glad to see her one last time but it made me realize something.

She was 35...and a lot of people have been dying at 44 a lot lately.

I'm 27.

I'm pretty sure I have at the most, 17 years left (If I don't get shot sooner than that).

So here it comes, the talk

Yup, this talkCollapse )

Sleep sweet, Tal'Shica Early. We'll see each other again and that time, I'll have more time.

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Sleep sweet, Shica. [30 Mar 2016|10:09am]
[ mood | depressed ]

I haven't wrote in here in a while.

No wonder I'm not internet famous, I lack consistency.

I went to LouisiANIME two out of the three days it was here. I volunteered so I didn't get to see and do much but I still enjoyed myself.

Aw well, as usual, a lot of stuff happened since I was gone. I'm pretty sure I'm not part of that toku site anymore what with the lack of writing an actual good article.

I'm just not one to regurgitate news that other sites has already said. I'm more of an "opinion" kinda guy. Plus when I joined, I couldn't really watch a lot of shows because my friend who gives me some Toku was having technical problems with how to do it and I don't like downloading.

I had to let this other yarding fed use my ring because I had nowhere to put it. I mean, I still see it as mine but I had to take yet another loss for the good of everything else.

I'm part of an afrocentric play called "Two Trains Running" for Upstage Theatre, this small time theatre not too far from where I live. It's not bad but the lady wants me to be more animated than an anime made by Madhouse. I play Wolf (even though I wanted to play Hambone). I would say that "it airs on April 15-17" but from what I gathered, the shows don't get recorded so I dunno, just take my word for it.

...

I'm gonna miss you, ShicaCollapse )

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One Bad Trip [05 Jan 2016|11:34pm]

Okay, here's how it all went down.

I got this friend, right? Who apparently was feeling like sh-t one day

I can't have my friends feeling like sh-t, so I tend to go to extremes to try to make them not feel like sh-t.

In the case of this one friend, I decide "what better way to help this friend out than to pay her a visit", right?

A long visit, a week long visit from Christmas to New Years from Louisiana to Connecticut.

It wasn't a sex trip like how everyone I know wants it to be but I can't lie, part of me really wanted to at least be held (like literally hugged, snuggled, cuddled) because this friend made it clear that I was at least minorly deserving of that (this is probably the ONE WOMAN IN THE FUCKING COUNTRY that would have ever gave me a chance years ago). I get to Connecticut only to receive the cold shoulder but I guess I wasn't supposed to see this as a rejection.

Can't lie, I loved the outing and the change of atmosphere but part of me was really looking forward to being treated to that one cuddle. I mean, it's not even sex! All I wanted was for one moment for a woman to at least lie to me and make me feel like I'm at least worthy to be held (nonsexually, by the way!) for a night.

What makes me real mad about this...she was the one that suggested it. So am I the bad guy for reacting poorly to being lied to? (again!?)

Not sure why but it seems like a lot of women really don't see rejection as a bad thing when they do it to me.

But I'm not mad at her...I just hate myself more for taking advice that I knew was bad to screw myself financially simply to put myself in a position where I'm more pathetic than I already am. Romantically and sexually, I've been done with women for a long time now and I can easily say that I'll never adhere to any "take risk" advice ever the fuck again.

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Bummed out [16 Dec 2015|11:27am]

It's so easy to be poor in this country. All I have to do is get a job that doesn't pay a lot and have a need to buy things (like a car).

Since the last entry, Rachael has all but disappeared and I'm not bummed about it anymore and I've been working on learning stuff through Lynda so I can understand my software I got. So far, I'm getting the hang of stuff but it's still a little intimidating.

Bit by Bit, y'know.

I did pretty well in my Acting class this semester, my teacher is a nutjob but he knows how to connect to his students (well, most of them) so I felt that it was only fair to give him his props. Does me well to know that I didn't do that poorly with him considering his short fuse.

I've applied for a few jobs since last entry and so far, I haven't gotten any callbacks. It's getting harder and harder to think that anything is gonna go right for me simply because even if I had the drive to leave, I wouldn't be able to afford the trip and it doesn't help that it seems like everyone else has the luxury to do that.

I'm an envious man.

On the good foot, In the process of me learning things, I've gotten the hang of Japanese language and since I got a Crunchyroll, I figured it'd make sense to have a My Anime List account pia (Swahili for "also") to keep track of what I'm doing. I'm also reading a lot of manga too which helps in the long run.

Old phone died, so I had to buy a new one so I'm back in the dog house, financially but on the good foot, the plan is cheaper so that's something good to look forward to. I just wish I had a little bit more money to get my car looked at.

So now I'm part of this Skype group chat dedicated to Crunchyroll and I've encountered new people and then I realize, at 27, I'm the oldest cat in the room. At one time, I was the penultimate because there was one other older than me (and sie was kinda dinky) and now the second oldest is 26 and has her life going the way she wants it to go. I mean, the other's don't see it as a problem but I'm just bummed because I realize that I'm getting old and this "living" thing seems like a young person's game.

Maybe I'm overreacting.

Aw well, back to writing and learning, see y'all then.

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Flying Low [23 Sep 2015|07:50pm]
[ mood | Sad ]

I'm still bummed that Rachael hasn't forgiven me. It's not like I'm interested in her or anything (too young) but it's just, we've known each other for a long time (she's kinda like a bro) and for an even longer time, we haven't spoken to one another (y'know, because busy) and we just started to click and then I had to go and start talking about dumb shit and for the first time in a long time, I ran someone off while not intending to be an asshole. I mean, I expect that kind of treatment when I'm ranting and raving but when I'm being open and sincere, part of me just hurts knowing that she just won't accept my apology or speak to me again. I should blame sex (since that was the subject) but I'm a bigger man than that, I said the wrong thing and I don't blame her for leaving.

On the good foot, I've finally established a CrunchyRoll account and been using the HELL out of it. The past few months I've finished Kuroko no Basket, Ixion Saga DT and Dai Shogun Revolution and I'm trying to finish the Yona of the Dawn manga. All this while teaching myself Nihongo.

To overcompensate for my perpetual crushing sadness, I've been teaching myself 6 languages with Mango which is provided for free through my local library (seriously, the library has a lot of cool stuff in it). So far, I've been practicing Swahili, Chinese, Latin, Japanese, Spanish and Hungarian and so far, the lessons here have been pretty simple. I just need to read up on my notes and such.

I need to get my car fixed so I can wrestle again, I need some sort of pain to forget all my horrible memories and with the stuff going on with Rachael and my mom.

The goal right now is to get the car fixed because my mom has made it clear that she doesn't want me around her anymore. She really has it in her head that "men need to suffer to live" so it's a combination of "ask me for help", "give me all your money", "leave" and it's hard to figure out what angle she's coming from when she talks. Mom has a problem with me and her only solution of it is simply "Manny is a crappy person and needs to leave" and I'd be okay with that if finding an affordable place to live wasn't impossible.

On the good foot, while I'm not wrestling, I've been devoting energy into writing stories, I have a soap opera I'm working on that is a different approach to most things. People that know me personally will get a lot of the references.

I intend to use as much pain as I have to make this my best soap...which means, simple, repetitive and sad as hell.

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Things Are Never Looking Up For Our Hero [21 Sep 2015|11:03am]
[ mood | Sad ]

I just learned that honesty isn't the best policy. Because she asked, I told a friend of mine about my screwed up past and, let's just say, she's not a friend anymore. I can understand though, I did do some stupid things to people back in the day and she reacted like how anyone should.

Sorry, Rachael.

I'm living with my parents again after a few days of sleeping in my car (that's busted, by the way). My mom has pretty much demonstrated and explained that she's gonna treat me like shit until I leave (because "men" don't live with their mamas). What makes this so depressing is that my mom is pretty much demanding that I pay her almost my entire check (while at the same time denying that she's forcing me to do so simply because I should be giving her money anyway for "taking care of me", that's what she calls it). So it's a cycle of "get out of my house but first give me all your money" and it's really hard to do anything about it because my job don't pay me a lot. But the job shoudn't have to pay me a lot since I'm part time and the only reason why I'm part time is because I go to school which also costs a little.

I realize now that I'm a loser. I try to do everything right and it's getting more difficult to succeed.

You know what? I'm not even mad. In the past I would've thought about killing myself but I figure that dying childless is a lot less painful.

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Pressured [10 Aug 2015|01:11pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Well, since the last entry, a lot of things have happened.

The semester has ended (Spanish and Math 094) and I have no idea how I did. I almost avoid looking at the grades in general because I'm almost always sure that it either didn't go well at all or I barely succeeded.

The only good thing I can say for the past few months are is that I was used as an extra for MTV's Scream for a nonconsecutive twenty-one days.

Besides that, it seems like nothing has gone right for me: I applied for the job at the local library only to not get hired. Also, remember that accident that resulted in my last car getting completely totaled. That lady's lawyer is still trying to peg something on me.

My car was fucking totalled because she did a hard turn on a bridge and I have to WALK TO SCHOOL for the past year and a half and this rich bitch is trying to jack me out of more money.

My mom went to California and came back thinking that she could live there. I'd personally like to send her off if I wasn't so sure I'd be homeless in the process. Current car smokes something fierce so I haven't been able to use it to even get to work.

I figured it's time for me to man up and take a state job, so I applied for the library because I'm surrounded by books, y'know. Only problem is that they didn't hire me and that just bummed me right the fuck out.

But hey, at least for a moment, you saw me on TV.

But on top of being hounded by some rich bitch's lawyer, having to deal with my mom still (she'll never get better) and getting rejected from a potential dream job.

I don't even think being on TV will stop me from wanting to just go take a walk into the Mississippi for the rest of my life.

The worst part about being Christian is having bad stuff happen to you because you don't know if it's God trying to humble you for good stuff or God just letting bad shit happen because he just stopped caring.

Either way, if things keep going the way they're going, I just might have to kill myself and ask the big guy personally.

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Why I don't think I'd ever vote Conservative/Republican [11 Jul 2015|05:23am]
Now, I'm gonna say this, I'm not politically inclined, savvy or completely knowledgeable. I don't throw myself into any political category because I see all problems through every perspective and try to look for ways to solve a problem rather than point the finger.

However, while I say this, I don't think I could ever vote Conservative.

Y'see, one day, I started hearing TV shows making fun of Republicans and Conservatives so I did some half-ass research on the actual term.

And by "half ass research", I mean, I looked the words up in the dictionary.

Y'see, according to the dictionary, "republican" and "conservative" is apparently linked to "tradition".

Now, I'm black guy from Louisiana and it was once considered "tradition" to make me choose between working out on some rich guy's yard. If I didn't want to, I could choose to not do it and get beaten mercilessly or possibly get shot/killed while trying to leave. Then there's that whole "relentlessly pursue me just to string me up by my neck because you (or possibly you and your friends) are bored and/or drunk" concept that's been in the movies for a few years.

It was once considered tradition to sorta be stuck in a hard place legally and witness my family either killed, sold, raped or whatever just because these guys got bored. Let's not forget that the "n-word" was kind of a traditional term for me (and still debated).

Now, it seems like I'm shitting on tradition but the fact is that this nation isn't known for being too keen on the idea that there are other people living in America besides rich white guys. I mean, look at the Great Depression. Anyone that wasn't a business owner or just straight up rich kinda didn't get the rough end of it.

Not saying that Conservatives were responsible but the fact that stuff like that is currently going on is pretty jacked up. It's like, in order to be on a Conservative's list of priorities, you either have to be a rich, white, possibly racist, heterosexual, christian male (or at least a good half of these categories combined) or something they hate...which the category "poor" literally accounts for a pretty good bit of the country.

Now I'm not saying that Republicans were all bad. I mean Lincoln did free the slaves (to what, I don't know) but somewhere down the line, Republicans became this opinion-based, choosy group of affluent religious zealot sociopaths that seem to play favorites with just about everything.

Including money.

I mean, corporations and really rich people can take care of themselves and yet the idea seems to be "if rich people can get rich, then so can poor people" which is absolutely correct.

But they seem to forget that everyone has a favorite. I mean, anyone can make a video series on YouTube but only a few ever really get past a hundred thousand views. Hell some barely break a thousand, for that matter and some of these people are practicing filmmakers and college students.

Anyone can go apply for multiple jobs but it's up to the job to hire them and that job can easily just not call back because the interviewer didn't like the shirt the interviewed was wearing (or something dumb like that). So in this land of opportunity, you're practically saying "go out and make yourself rich because that's what you're gonna need in order to succeed in this country" while at the same time taking our chances and opportunities away in order to do that. I mean, look at how expensive going to college is, it's easier to just go to the library and just OVERDOSE on information before someone realizes that libraries help and shut those down too.

Meanwhile, the business owners responsible for McDonald's, Wal-Mart and all these other global companies can literally rule their empire from their chair.

I worked at Wal-Mart from the course of 2008-mid2010 and never once met a Walton.

Y'see, I live in Louisiana and in Baton Rouge, there used to be two hospitals in the inner city a person could visit should they get some sort of ailment, Earl K. Long and Baton Rouge General. Those places have been closed down for years and there's a famous (possibly joke) article of Jindal saying "poor people need to take better care of themselves".

Fake or not, this statement is true but we could be super fit tomorrow, get shot and bleed out before we can go to the other side of town to get fixed up.

This is the same Radical (Questionable) Conservative that even other (citizen) Conservatives seem to not want to endorse because he seems to not have it all up there (Look up "Jindal portrait"). It's gotten so bad that he's even attacked LSU (Louisiana's sole meal ticket) with laws taking away some things and apparently making it even more expensive to go there.

I don't think that today's Conservatives can look at the world through the eyes of the impoverished and say "you know what, maybe we should help these people out just a little". I mean, poor people in general have been living miserably for a long time and the only person that seems to care is Bernie Sanders.

And then they say that it's God's work.

I'll rather vote for a lettuce sandwich before I vote Republican.

Hell, if I had the money, I wouldn't even vote, I'd just take strides to do stuff myself. I've lived in "the hood" for years and it seems like this side of town has just gotten abandoned and if no one else can help, I'll try to. I just hope I can get enough money to do it.

Here's to hoping.

Aaaand here comes the flaming
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And that's why I gave up on romantic love [13 Mar 2015|12:25am]

Now that I've gotten your attention.

Why I'm singleCollapse )

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So I've been sad for a while (Long Entry 2 of 2) [09 Mar 2015|02:56pm]

I decided to try to cut this entry in half but yeah...

So, Tokusatsu has completely swallowed up my love for Anime. I mean I still like drawn works (comics, anime, if you draw it, I'll obviously read it) but looking at Tokusatsu through the eyes of a regular person instead of something that wants to decry it because it's too "different" just made me realize a lot of things.

I mean Toku is just a live action comic book completely with the watcher hearing how the character sounds, moves and everything.

I've been so interested in Tokusatsu that I'm currently writing one (yup, that's right, another writing project, this'd be my six one) which is gonna be difficult because I have no idea how I want the "powers" to look. That plus I'm not exactly "good" with after effects (as I show here and here) which I can admit because I try to finish those the same day I start them.

I really need to read the manuals on those things.

Aw well, I'm a much better writer (or at least I think I am) than I am "producer" (whatever that even means anymore) even though I feel I can get a little gritty at times. Either way, I've been working on a lot of things at once and I think that's one of my biggest problems what with the wrestling fed, the film stuffs, school, all my writing projects and trying to be an actor (the only thing I'm willing to do simply for the money).

I didn't realize that there were so many potential acting gigs in Baton Rouge (I'm so used to them being in New Orleans, which anyone who knows me personally know that I can't stand) but now that I'm aware of it, I'm willing to take time out of my already busy schedule to go and just try out. I may get a few, I may not but at least I can say I tried, y'know?

I mean, with how fickle the acting gigs can be, it's much easier to just make my own but the money, though. Which I now know is not that big of an issue because I knew a few local stages that'll let me use their facility for pennies if not for nothing at all. Now, all I need to do is just finish my script.

Unlike most famous writers, I know how I want my story to end, but I'm having a hard time actually getting there, y'know? It's weird. Either way, I got things to do so I'll keep this short.

Thanks for reading, Happy.

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So I've been sad for a while (Long Entry 1 of 2) [09 Mar 2015|12:51pm]

So I'm typing this at my school on this loudass keyboard.

I should have been left since I only have one class this semester but I decided to stay because there's this theatrical performance going on for Sister Helen Prejean's work, Dead Man Walking. I got the chance to meet her and say a few words, she was such a nice little lady (when she's not speaking about politics, anyway) and she thinks I'm funny and that just lightened up my day.

I bet you didn't expect that, huh?

Yeah, I've been reading my past entries, almost all of them have been either sad, informal or both.

I'm trying to cheer up this year (especially since my last entry said that there's a good chance that this is my final year living, apparently) and the big step was just leaving Facebook alone. I think what got me the way I was was the outlook that everyone else is out there curing Cancer and buying houses and that made me look at myself like an earthworm.

Then it dawns on me. An earthworm that's seemingly insignificant is actually pretty useful considering that it sorta helps with the growth of trees with the soil and nutrients and stuff.

So after saying goodbye to my (still active) Facebook and going to the library a lot more (which I kinda don't need to do because we have a load of books at my house. I'm slowly starting to feel better.

Also, I made a Steam account so as far as being social is concerned, if I'm not out and about from work and school, that takes up most of my internet time now. I now know that I never cared for stuff on the internet but I'll read the hell out of a book.

I'm still teaching myself all the big languages like Espanol, Nihongo and ASL and I intend to re-teach myself Chemistry and I need to brush up on Math since I failed that class (well, I got a D but you need a C to be considered passing). I've also been interested in stuff with Herbs and plants (I mean, we do eat fruits and vegetables, what if there's something in the forest that can cure cancer or something) and nature lately after watching shows like The Walking Dead. Those people sure do spend a lot of time in the forest and I think I'm the only one that wonders exactly how these people seem to rarely complain about being hungry.

I guess fear has a way of keeping you well fed.
comparison filibusterCollapse )

On the good foot, though, the library has been very kind, forgiving and almost superior useful to me! I mean, I didn't know that the Library had so much cool stuff in it! Staying away from the internet has just rekindled my love for books, both creative and informational. I'm teaching myself robotics now'days and I want to get the hang of Auto Mechanics. Auto Mechanics + Robotics = Gundam, y'know.

Either way, this is a two piece, I'll recap on other stuff later.

Thanks for reading, Happy.

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If you read it, read it in it's entirety. [25 Dec 2014|01:56pm]

Considering how I'm gonna try to alter my viewpoint in the upcoming year, I'm gonna use this time to purge out the last few thoughts of self loathing I have. I mean, living my life is the equivalent of being forcefed shit, I can either starve to death or be appreciative that I'm eating something.

Begin the purgingCollapse )

Not sure but I'm calling it, I'm either gonna put myself into a mental health institution or die before 2015 ends. The death may be suicide, it may be accidental, who knows?

But it doesn't matter since I never really left my mark. I tried to. I mean I REALLY tried but nothing worked.

Well, I mean "nothing works". I tried things since I was 16 and I guess I just didn't whore myself out that well but it's not like I was earning the money to do that either.

I later devoted my life to what I thought was hard work while at the same time trying to market myself through the internet because I figure "hey, if those internet famous tools could do it, so can I, right?".

Then I forget that I'm not an attractive white girl (or even rich, for that matter) so I can't just get famous on the internet for nothing. I have to have a talent..which I thought I did until I got introduced to people that are just better at everything.

There are days where I go to work and while pushing all those carts, I remember all the rejection I received and I'd ask, "what was I put here for?".

This is not me complaining or whining or bitching. This is me realizing that I'm in the position I'm in and getting mad that nothing that I do, no matter how hard I try, is gonna change that.

Since I was 16 years old, I've been waiting, planning, working and struggling to get my goals in check and my goals weren't even that big.

Well, they were. I wanted to be a superhero once only to realize that that's impossible.

Then I aimed lower and decided to be a chemist only to realize that there's not a lot of cheap ways to get desired chemicals.

So I said "Let me try to be a voice actor" until I realized that the voice acting well is dry in my hometown.

Then I aimed even lower and decided to be a professional wrestler. Now I'm starting to realize that even that's almost impossible to accomplish without the right amount of money.

I mean, in the end, it seems like I just need to get the right amount of money.

And bear in mind, I've been working jobs since I was 16 to work towards this stuff. They were low earning jobs but that's all a 16 year old unexperienced black kid could get back then.

The fact is, up to this point, I wanted things and I was willing to go through whatever it took to get it. Y'know, before I realize that these goals are unreachable because I don't have the money

One of my bigger goals is to establish something recreational so that kids could have a place to go to and just get nuts without it having to break their parent's wallets.

You know why this is impossible...because I lack the money.

I mean, I know what it's like to have a crappy childhood and I know what it did to me so I can pick up the signs pretty well (or at least I think I do). Ever notice how there's a whole hell of a lot of people that are depressed now'days? It's not easy to just "get over" something especially if it happens on the seemingly regular basis.

I'm trying to get out of a rut that seems more and more inescapable due to financial problems. I don't earn enough to invest into my projects (or to even survive for that matter) and I refuse to take loans simply because I'm pretty damn sure don't earn enough to pay those back.

It's starting to seem like life just ain't supposed to be okay for me.

What really makes me mad is that all I wanted was to earn money doing something I like so I can travel the world and because I didn't matter in life, my miniscule story will be forgotten in death.

Aw well, better go ahead and smile through the upcoming bullshit that approaches or as the rest of the country likes to say "get over it".

Here's to a hopefully good new year.

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